Last night/this morning I dreamt I was in NYC, in the same building with the former occupant of the WH (Won't call him by the title, because I don't believe he either earned it or grew into it. (not contesting the results of 2016, just him personally))
So, he was IN the dream, but I didn't have any interaction with him. I intentionally ignored him. Even when we shared an (cavernous, lobby-sized) elevator. Sensed that he was miffed, but didn't care.
There've been a lot of news stories out in the last couple of weeks (accompanying the release of 3 books about his time residing at the WH) that have made it pretty clear that we were at serious risk (perhaps still might be, unless rationality returns to the GOP) of losing our country to an authoritarian wanna-be and his minions.
I think that's actually what prompted this sit-down today. I still don't feel like I can post how deeply I feel about the last 4 years (prior to jan 20, '21) on FB, and it occupies an inordinate amount of space in my head when I read the news.
So here I am.
Seemingly on the upside of a serious depressive episode that began ... 4 years ago? Woke up one morning with one glaring idea standing clearly in my head: I want to be dead. It's popped up a couple of other times since then, but, with the help of ... 3 counselors, I do actually feel like I'm getting better.
Jerusalem has ... dwindled ... the pandemic was hard, we lost Hiddie and William (Harcum) at the beginning of it - not to COVID, but in such a way and at such a time that we have yet to be able to provide closure by way of remembrance/celebration services for each of them. Since I last wrote, Daddy died (a mercy) in December of '13, and Momma died in July of last year - on our anniversary - her's was a good death ... in that we (all five of us were with her) weathered it well. She prepared us for that.
Kids are ... no longer kids. Hannah has been teaching in NN public schools for the last couple of years, Caleb is working as a field technician and wildlife biologist in Florida (Kisseme Prairie Preserve State Park), and Judson is living and working in Vienna, Austria with a church that provides a ministry to refugees from Afghanistan and Iran who are seeking Asylum. Hannah just flew over to visit with him for the next week or so.
Leslie is pastoring Warsaw Baptist Church, and has been for the last 5 years. We just had VBS there the first part of this past week. Angela is well also.
I suppose something in me wants to get something out of my inner life onto something in front of me... and that may be this: While I love the folks at Jerusalem, and in the latino community, I am tired. exhausted. spent. I am and have been dealing with burn out since ... in all honesty, probably at least 5 years ago.
I remember contemplating the prospect of burn out when we first came here and I was doing everything all the time, filling my days and weeks with ministry to the latino community and putting in long hours (more or less) at church ... at some point it became unsustainable, but I kept going. Eventually building up (or boring down) to that saturday morning that I mentioned earlier.
I'm still pulling myself out of that place, but again, I FEEL like I am in ... at least a HEALTHIER place than I was before.
More to come.
