There’s a nighttime routine we go through with the kids at bedtime. Leslie or I will go into their bedrooms and help them into bed, or tuck them in. The routine is this: sometimes earlier in the process, sometimes later, when we first broach the subject of going to sleep, Judson will usually be the first to ask “can you sleep with me?” it used to stop at that, but lately it has become “can you sleep with me and can you sleep with me first?” “Sleep with me” in this context means you turn on the lullaby CD, and lay down on top of the covers for one, two or more songs, depending on what negotiation has taken place or what time it is or if you fall asleep within the first few measures of the song. On Hannah’s bed it’s easier, because there’s no bunk bed to crouch under. With Judson sleeping on the bottom bed of a bunk bed, it’s a little harder. There’s a crouching and turning and bending that has to happen in kind of a horizontal windmill move, where you lean forward, then bring your legs up onto the bed, then swing the upper part of the body back over to the left before settling onto the edge of the mattress.

This past Monday or Tuesday night, Judson had asked me to sleep with him. I don’t always. If I say ‘not tonight’ both Hannah and Judson just say ‘OK’ and go on, only rarely reiterating the request. This time I agreed. It had been, for some reason, a hard day between me and Judson. One of those days when I felt like I’d been anything BUT a good daddy. I agreed partly because of that and because it is SLOWLY starting to sink into my thick skull that in those situations, bedtime snuggles and quiet conversations can be a source of reconciliation and grace. That night, Judson was quiet for a little while (Hannah is usually the one to ask questions or talk about her day), and then he took my hand and held it up and looked at it. I remember doing the same thing with my father’s hands as a boy. At first I thought he was just going to look at it up close for a minute or two and then put it down. He didn’t. He took his right hand and closed it in a loose fist and turned it to where my hand was cupping his, and then he lowered both to his chest. After a pause, he brought up his left hand and moved it in next to his right hand, so that both his hands were nested in mine. He turned his face to me, gave me a quick smile, and then settled in and closed his eyes to go to sleep. A few minutes later, the song ended. I stayed a little longer, then he turned and I said “Goodnight, I love you”, gave him a kiss, got up and walked out of the room. Getting up is always a lot easier for me than getting down, I just drop off the side of the bed, into a crouch and stand up. That night, I wouldn’t have minded being the one to fall asleep first.